Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Jumping into the unknown


My eyes are red from crying and I feel I have nothing left in me. I just found out that we are going to actually have to use those hormones that we  have been keeping in the fridge for a few weeks, hidden in the bottom drawer. I had been hoping that we would not need to go through this. A part of me really thought we could do it, that this month was the month where I would pee on a stick and see two lines. I had always wanted a Juno moment, and now it has been taken away from me. I called all forces in the Universe to make this happen for us. The religious, the scientific, the supernatural, the rational, the superstitious, the hippie-dippie. I made sure we ate all the good foods. I got vitamin C and Zinc tablets for the boy, Folic Acid for me. I bought sunflower seeds. I lit candles at every church I entered. I touched the weeping pillar at Haghia Sophia, the one that is supposed to heal you and grant you a miracle. I got an eye bracelet and a Holy Spirit (Lord and giver of life) pendant.

We do not have any risk factors, and ironically all the medical tests that can be done have come out basically perfect. We aced all the exams, and still we are here, standing, lost. I've been thinking positive thoughts all along, patiently waiting for our moment. I have meditated, we have "called" our baby, and yet, here I am, with a warm water bag in my belly and an appointment for after tomorrow. We are starting IUI and I am scared as can not be put in words. Scared and sad that this happened to us. I know deep down, that as much as I am afraid, it is a blessing that we are even able to do this, that our insurance will cover it. If this is the path that has been laid in front of us, that is where we'll go. I just hope we'll get through to the other side, and I just really, really hope it will work.

14 comments:

  1. really sorry that you guys have to go through this, I know it's really not what you wanted. I did just want to say that the IUIs have really not been as horrible as I feared, and the hormones much less life-altering. I hope for the same for you guys, and a lot more success than we've had. I'm feeling all these same things again as I think we head to IVF, only we haven't aced any tests...

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    1. Thanks so much for the support and encouragement.... about "acing the tests" I mean it kind of ironically, cause basically it just means that science can only go so far, that they have no idea what is up.
      Good luck for IVF, if it turns out you will do it. I hope you get a happy ending very soon.

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  2. Oh Amanda...I wish I could leap through the virtual screen and give you a gigantic hug.

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    1. Oh, thanks so much. I hope you are doing well :)

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  3. don{t give up Amanda! soy una convencida que las cosas pasan a su debido tiempo, pero tambien se que nos desesperamos cuando vemos que no suceden. Supongo que ya habras recibido todos los mensajes posibles de tus amigos y familia, asi que me adhiero a ellos y agrego mas buena vibra para que tu deseo se convierta en una realidad pronto. Muchos abrazos!!!

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    1. Muchisimas gracias Nat ! Así es, tratando de encontrar las alegrías cada día y de llevar esto con energía positiva...

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  4. I'm so sorry that you and Mark are going through this, I am sending you both the biggest virtual hugs and keeping all my appendages crossed that this time, everything will work out.

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  5. Lo siento muchísimo Amanda, un abrazo muy grande para los dos.

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  6. Thoughts and prayers for you and your husband.

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    1. Thansk so much Ashley... it means a lot. HEre we are crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. And so far I have been feeling Ok...

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  7. Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry. I know you'd really hoped to conceive without medical help and it can't be easy to accept that push that medicine gives you. I hope that your wish will be fulfilled soon and that starting out on the path of medical assistance won't be too hard on the both of you. Hopefully you won't have to go down that road very far before you get some joyous results.

    *hugs*

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    1. Thanks so much :) For what is worth so far so good... the injections do not hurt at all, and I have not been feeling any symptoms whatsoever yet. We'll see.

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